So a tremendous relationship changed in the course of the last week. We took out the commitment, kept the friendship and support. School has been killing me lately: EE courses over the summer are CRAZY, much more over 3 of them are likely to hurt someone... like me. A big test, a writing assignment (which its super crazy hard), a homework (finished in no less than 3 hours), and keeping up with my other two classes are the items on my o-shit-list. Gotta phone call from my Dad (first one this year I think): Gaubi died. So my great-step-grandma died but here's the crazy part: she outlived all 12 of her brothers and sisters, 3 of her own children, raised my step mom (her grand daughter), was born around 1911, and smoked most every day of her life. Yea, for those of you doing the math thats 96 or 97 years old. She outlived her expectations: she bought a plan at the funeral home and a plot by her husband and then chose her casket in the early 90's. I can't say I was especially close to her since I rarely get to visit Oregon and when I do I see her once or twice a visit. Though its not a traumatic personal hit to me it does remind me of my mortality and all those thoughts that keep recurring and gaining strength that somebody near me dies. What is your purpose? There's no way you've figured it out by this early in the game but if the clocks tickin' that fast then you'd better hope your accomplishing your purpose or at least on the road to doing so. Do I love hard enough? Do I live bold enough? Questions which leave me staring at a seemingly infinite abyss of "probably not."
Which ultimately leads me to the following understanding: You have probably had plenty of reasons you shouldn't be alive right now (anywhere from near death experiences to a plethura of random reasons people clock out by chance to general high risk nature of your crazy attitude towards life) so your chances of being alive enough to read this for you personally are one in X (X being the number of reasons you should probably not be as alive as you are now... for me its around 7... add 5 more for the "high risk nature" factor... so 12). You are already one lucky mofo, right?! Ok... lets get graphic. I don't know if you know this/accepted it but your mama and papa know about the birds and the bees. Every time a nut gets busted 10,000 little swimmers start racing for the golden eggs and the end of fallopian marathon. Take the variational difference between you and ANY sibling of yours and apply that to all 10,000 and its as if none of that crowd is even close to what you are. Now you are 1 in 12 for being alive, 1 in 10,000 for being the chosen swimmer. If we go back to our probability classes we remember that we MULTIPLY to get the total probability of series probabilities. That makes you 1 in 120,000. Take into account the fact that the night you were conceived wasn't the only time papa busted and you all the sudden have the idea that you have to multiply by a factor of 1 in however-many-times-papa-busted-during-his-life and I don't want to think about that for my dad but I know for me-as-a-papa thats going to be in the thousands. Thats not even taking into account for the female side of the equation. Now draw back your lineage to say... Adam... counting along the way the probability for each generation that lead up to the one and only you and all the sudden here you are: 1 in a fucking googol chance that you got the lucky golden ticket to land on earth and live out your life and what the fuck are you going to do with it?!
These are the things that go through my head when someone kicks the bucket.
It's a ripe 4:55a in the library and aside from the staff I feel almost as if I'm the lone tenant of this building.
Which ultimately leads me to the following understanding: You have probably had plenty of reasons you shouldn't be alive right now (anywhere from near death experiences to a plethura of random reasons people clock out by chance to general high risk nature of your crazy attitude towards life) so your chances of being alive enough to read this for you personally are one in X (X being the number of reasons you should probably not be as alive as you are now... for me its around 7... add 5 more for the "high risk nature" factor... so 12). You are already one lucky mofo, right?! Ok... lets get graphic. I don't know if you know this/accepted it but your mama and papa know about the birds and the bees. Every time a nut gets busted 10,000 little swimmers start racing for the golden eggs and the end of fallopian marathon. Take the variational difference between you and ANY sibling of yours and apply that to all 10,000 and its as if none of that crowd is even close to what you are. Now you are 1 in 12 for being alive, 1 in 10,000 for being the chosen swimmer. If we go back to our probability classes we remember that we MULTIPLY to get the total probability of series probabilities. That makes you 1 in 120,000. Take into account the fact that the night you were conceived wasn't the only time papa busted and you all the sudden have the idea that you have to multiply by a factor of 1 in however-many-times-papa-busted-during-his-life and I don't want to think about that for my dad but I know for me-as-a-papa thats going to be in the thousands. Thats not even taking into account for the female side of the equation. Now draw back your lineage to say... Adam... counting along the way the probability for each generation that lead up to the one and only you and all the sudden here you are: 1 in a fucking googol chance that you got the lucky golden ticket to land on earth and live out your life and what the fuck are you going to do with it?!
These are the things that go through my head when someone kicks the bucket.
It's a ripe 4:55a in the library and aside from the staff I feel almost as if I'm the lone tenant of this building.
posted by Bucci at
1:27 AM
6 Comments
